Yes, that is right. I lived until the age of 13 in a household without a television.

Spare me your expressions of sympathy. It was an incredible advantage, “for as the twig is bent, so grows the tree.”

With no one-eyed god to worship, no vast wasteland in which to fritter away our evenings, no toxic dump to pollute our minds and stifle our creativity and imaginations, we did simple things. We read, talked to each other about our days, shared our thoughts, rode bikes, played board games, did our homework. Mundane family stuff.

I grew up with a love of reading that persists today, and in my office at home is a library where every wall surface that is not a window or a mirror is a bookshelf. As I write now, I am surrounded by books and it is a place where I am most comfortable.

My library is 70% to 80% non-fiction, although there is a vibrant science fiction section. SiFi always stroked my imagination. Loved it as a youngster, still do today. And there is a decent action-adventure section. And I once went through a western kick, Louis L’Amour mainly.

Books have been my mentors, my guides, my teachers, incredible wells of wisdom. To me, each book represents the accumulated knowledge of the author’s lifetime, summarized and distilled for my edification and enrichment. I can lift my gaze and let it travel along the spines of the volumes whose presence embraces me. Each title brings back memories of the journey of learning the author and I traveled together.

Someone once asked me where I found the time to read so much. Finding time to read is simple. I don’t watch TV.

This is a classic from the NSC Blog archive. Originally posted February 28, 2008.

If you assume negative intent or at best incompetence, you become angry or scornful. While a small percentage of the time there may be elements of truth to this, how does your becoming irritated or disdainful help? Make no doubt about it, if you feel those emotions they will leak. Maybe not at full strength or all the time but at some level, at some point, they will leak.

If you instead assume positive intent you let the people around you know you believe in them, that you have faith in them, confidence in them. Most people will go the extra mile to avoid letting down someone who believes in them.

Many years ago, Dale Carnegie opined that people are complex, have many sides, and often have multiple motivations for their actions. Carnegie’s advice? “Appeal to the nobler motive.² Assuming positive intent means you are appealing to the nobler side and, more often than not, such an appeal will yield an excellent result.

“Assume positive intent. Whatever anyone says or does, assume positive intent. You will be amazed at how your whole approach to a person or problem becomes very different. When you assume negative intent, you’re angry. If you take away that anger and assume positive intent, you will be amazed.
Your emotional (intelligence) quotient goes up… You do not get defensive… You are trying to understand and listen…. If you react from a negative perspective­­because you didn’t like the way the other person reacted­­then it just becomes two negatives fighting. But when you assume positive intent, I think what happens is the other person says, ‘Hey, wait a minute, maybe I’m wrong reacting the way I do because this person is really making an effort’.”
  – Indra Nooyi, CEO and Chair of Pepsi

Assume positive intent, both at work and at home. It works. And you will be more relaxed, happier, and live longer. Three and more for one!

Groupthink is a frequent symptom of a homogenous, highly cohesive group, that is so concerned with maintaining unanimity and a uniform outward front that they frequently fail to critically test, analyze, or fully evaluate all available options.

Groupthinkers often see themselves under siege or under attack, justifying their lemming-like behavior (if they are even aware of it) as necessary to create the unity required to overcome those opposed to their noble and laudable goals. Opponents are often stereotyped, frequently perceived as misguided, wrong, stupid, or even evil, thus justifying extreme efforts to triumph.

The dangers of high-level governmental groupthink came to mind when I read a recent New York Times article on the ouster of four-star Admiral William Fallon.

Admiral Fallon was kicked out of the military for his blunt talk and for the unforgivable sin of publicly “favoring diplomacy over force in Iran,” as well as greater troop withdrawals from Iraq. His other transgressions include being “criticized by conservatives for cozying up to China” and having the temerity to favor “dialogue and patience, not war, with Iran.”

The strongest leaders encourage dissent and value diversity of thought and sincerely wish to understand why intelligent people disagree with them. If voices such as Adm. Fallon’s had been listened to earlier, the current quagmire may have been avoided. The message is clear: Independent thinking is a career killer.

Whether it be from your kids, your spouse, or your co-workers, the minute you make it clear that you punish independent thinking, you will lose its benefits.

Either they will passively leave you with their thoughts and passions, enthusiasm and energy going underground often to surface elsewhere, perhaps as quiet resentment—for feelings buried alive never die—or they will actively leave you, taking their talents elsewhere.

You may legitimately request that disagreements and alternative points of view be aired with respect and diplomacy and that they be kept behind closed doors (this may have been part of Admiral Fallon’s problem), or even that once a decision is made, dissent should cease in the name of teamwork, unless and until material and new facts come to light.

Creating framework and a process for debate, dissent, and decision making can be very productive. Always remember, as a leader, you stifle debate at your own risk.

How open are you to new ideas, to ideas you disagree with? Do you try to understand WHY someone is disagreeing with you? What perspective or experiences lead them to their point of view? Rate yourself on an openness scale of 1 to 7. How would your spouse rate you? Your children? Your co-workers?

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Click here for more information on ”Groupthink” from Wikipedia

Click here for full text NYT article on Admiral Fallon

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In theory, fear should never overwhelm the rational mind. The essence of civilization is that we do not allow our limbic system—our emotional response, our emotional brain—to hijack our thinking brain, particularly on the downside, particularly by negative emotions such as fear and hate.*

Since I’ve studied fear so much, I was fascinated by the title of the cover story of a recent issue of The American Interest magazine (Read full article here).

Terror-phobia:

• The irrational fear of terrorism
• The sentiment motivating U.S. national security policy since September 11

This blog is about personal leadership, not politics. However, we do touch on the subject of decision making and thoughtful analysis. One of the tasks of a leader is to allocate resources so as to accomplish as much good as possible. That requires a rational evaluation of threats and opportunities.

Most Americans would say that they consider Al-Qaeda and terrorism a bigger threat, a greater concern than the cars sitting in their driveways. But consider the statistics:

Ask most Americans their chances of dying in a car accident this year and you get a lottery-like number, somewhere between 1 in 1,000,000 to 1 in 100,000.

The real number? Your chance of dying in a car accident THIS YEAR is 1 in 7,500. Pretty lousy odds, right?

Do the math: 40,000+ deaths on the highway annually, 300 million Americans, equals 1 in 7,500. (P.S. Your lifetime odds of dying in a car accident are around 1 in 80.) Buckle up now!

400,000 of us will die this year from smoking-related causes.

250,000 will die this year from obesity or weight-related issues.

A third of auto deaths are alcohol related.

The number of motorcycle deaths has doubled (from approximately 2,000 per year to roughly 4,000), since most helmet laws were repealed.

Compare the statistics above (and the relative ease of alleviating some of them) with the number of lives lost on 9/11, and the huge amount of resources and billions and billions upon billions spent responding, and what else could have been accomplished with those same resources, plus that significantly more American lives have been lost in Iraq then were lost on 9/11, and then ask yourself:

Have we responded in an intelligent way?

Have we allocated resources in a manner so as to create the greatest good?

Are our fears rational?

There may not be too much we can do to impact national events, but one of my favorite questions, particularly when I find myself analyzing what I believe are the mistakes of others, is to ask myself some effective questions:

- “How does this apply to me?”
- “What can I learn from this?”
- “How can I put this knowledge/insight to use in my own life?”

My goal is to “become the change I seek”, to be a good example, a good role model of my values, do what I can where I am with what I have and to avoid like the dickens the syndrome of “everyone wants to change the world, no one wants to change themselves.”

Often I find that some of my own fears are overblown, that I’m allowing fears of failure or rejection or of making a silly or stupid mistake to subtly hijack my energies or attention.

Or sometimes I find that I’m prioritizing my time based on what annoys me most, or what is right in front of me, rather than on what is most important or what is most in alignment with my long-term goals.

Keep your fears rational, your hopes high, and your goals directly in front of you.

————–
* Call me a softy, but when emotions such as love and hope temporarily overwhelm self interest and common sense, when we rush in to the burning building to save the children, that is the higher side of humanity, the nobler nature of the human spirit that makes me proud to be human.

Simple solution: Make it a game.

Throughout my life, this motivation technique has worked for me. I play games with myself all the time. When I was young and working two jobs to get through college and every penny counted, I made it a game. Every time I found a way to save a dime or earn a dollar, bingo! It was like an arcade pinball machine: A light would go off in my head, the chime would sound, and another score went on the board for the home team.

I got a kick out of having a savings account. Why? Because I had a plan and a goal, and every dollar I placed into that savings account put me one step closer to the bright, shining mountaintop of a college degree, earned by and paid for by yours truly. My dad paid my first quarter tuition and books, everything else I did myself.*

Building my business was a game. A game of carefully plotted moves, a game of Legos stacked one on top of the other, a game of building blocks, games of chess and poker all rolled into one.

Eating healthily, staying trim, going alcohol free: All these are games to me. Games with rules, games ever tougher and more rigorous at each higher level (hey, high school to college, college to the pros, pros to the playoffs!), games I joyously play with zest and verve, games I “win” even if I just play hard, games where I want to be the Michael Jordan of my own game of life.

After all, the difference between work and play is often just attitude and perspective. We often “work” harder at our off-hours recreation than we do at work!

It is difficult to get motivated over someone else’s goals or by someone else’s values. You have to have the goal, and the purpose behind that goal must have personal meaning to you.

Soooo… What can you make a game of? What can you turn from work to play?

——————-
*Dutiful acknowledgement should also be made to the Federal Insured Student Loan program, said loans long since repaid on time with interest.

Mostly, I ended up reading from the same script, but just on a different stage in a different theater. No real fundamental change had occurred just because I changed my outer world. It did not automatically create
any significant change in my inner world. Indeed, it was amazing how quickly I would re-establish old patterns, re-energize old habits in my new environment. Essentially I was decorating my new abode with the furniture from my previous one.

Eventually, tired of not creating the change that my conscious mind said I wanted, I spent a lot of time thinking and feeling it through. Before long I had a blinding flash of the obvious: Everywhere I went, there I was. The same old me. In new clothes perhaps, new surroundings, but still me, re-enacting the same behaviors, thinking and acting the same way that had created my circumstances in my old surroundings. People being pretty much the same the world over, others were reacting the same way to me and the same old, same old dynamics were occurring over and over. Everywhere I went, there I was.

The problem wasn’t other people, it was me. If I wanted change, I needed to change (“Become the Change You Seek…”). And even if the existence of the problem wasn’t entirely my “fault,” even if I had not created it, if I was the one who wanted change, then certainly the fastest way to get what I wanted was to accept responsibility for creating it.

If I wanted to create real, lasting, meaningful change in my outer world, I needed to start with my inner world. Once I did that, once I started thinking, acting, and being different, once I started seeing others and myself in a different light, I was amazed how much change seemed to happen automatically. Things that before seemed to take so much effort, frequently appeared to come about on their own.

Yes, different circumstances and surroundings can create the space and opportunity for change by removing many of the old cues and support for behaviors you wish to change. New people in your life, with no expectations
of you based upon your past, can create a honeymoon period for you to try out the embryonic changes you are creating. However, these change opportunities can be squandered more quickly than you might realize and are
far from self-determining.

Because for better or worse (as always, your choice): Everywhere You Go, There You Are.

Under stress our facade often cracks and our true selves are revealed. Such moments can be incredibly instructive. They offer fantastic opportunities for insight, both of ourselves and others. (So now you are probably almost looking forward to your next stress moment, eagerly awaiting your growth opportunity!)

Occasionally I see (and have at times felt myself) the human desire to return undesirable behavior, to retaliate in kind. That was done to us, that gives us license to respond in kind. Well, that may be the other person’s true character. It does not have to be ours. It certainly is not mine.

My goal is to be aligned through and through, a civilized, caring, intelligent, mature human being. For me to be true to myself, my exterior must be a genuine reflection of my interior. Under pressure, under stress, in times of crisis, my aspiration is stay on course to the principled values I deeply believe. If I fail, being true to my values requires that I make amends promptly (and remember that words of apology without deeds to back them up often ring hollow).

I like the phrase, “if you squeeze an orange, you don’t get lemon juice,” because it is very real, very visual, very tactile to me. When I say it to myself, I see the juice flowing from the orange, I smell the citrus tang. The absurd incongruity of lemon juice pouring from an orange jump starts my energy to help me live a life consistent with my principles and helps my behavior stay tightly aligned with my values.

When I am tempted to respond at a lower level, the phrase “if you squeeze an orange, you don’t get lemon juice” helps me remember that if I truly aspire to grow, to be a lifelong learner, to be a lighthouse and not a stumbling block, then I must live up to my highest self and choose a better response.

When you get squeezed, what happens?

“If you don’t have a dream, how you gonna have a dream come true?”

In “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People” and “First Things First,” Covey talks about mission statements and calls them a method of “connecting with your own unique purpose and the profound satisfaction that comes from fulfilling it.”

I first started a personal mission statement 15 years ago. A personal mission statement is a combination of setting out your life goals and stating and clarifying the fundamental principles that guide and inspire those goals. Writing a personal mission statement created an opportunity for me to connect to my core values.

I sincerely believe that you can’t hit a target you haven’t identified. “If you don’t have a dream, how you gonna have a dream come true?” My personal mission statement is a way of setting out the targets for my life, of setting forth the dreams I wish to have come true.

While the beginning of a new year is a wonderful time to pause and reflect, I also use my birthday as another time to evaluate the past year and to ponder the future and what I wish to create in the coming year. I frequently go back to my original mission statement, the first one I wrote in 1993. While it was not my first set of goals, it was the most comprehensive statement of values and principles I’d ever made. It was (and is) highly aspirational in nature, reflecting very much the Nathan I wish to be, the Nathan I hope I am becoming. My mission statement has evolved over the years (even the Constitution gets amended from time to time), often reflecting and emphasizing specific issues and areas I’m working on. But a common thread of consistent search for growth, improvement, and service always remains.

Like many things in life, the value and impact of a personal mission statement is directly related to the amount of time, effort, and emotional commitment you put into it. No free lunch, not in the long run anyway. If the idea is of interest to you, I recommend Covey’s “First Things First” to you. It will take you deep into the subject and leave you inspired. I suggest you read it slowly, a chapter at a time, mulling over the thoughts and ideas, applying them, and allowing them to take root.

Below is the original version of my 1993 Personal Mission Statement:

Do you turn on the television? Open the refrigerator? Call a friend? Seek out your spouse?

I tend to open a book, take a walk in the woods, or write a blog.

There are no wrong answers per se. “What do you do when you do nothing?” is just a question in an interesting way to start a process of self-examination. As Socrates said, “The unexamined life is not worth living.” Socrates (469 B.C.-399 B.C.) said this to the jury of the Athenian court when he was on trial for heresy (upsetting the powers that be, the established order) because of his teachings. Socrates was saying he would chose a sentence of death before he would agree to cease his questioning.

We are what we repeatedly do, and the secret of our future lies in our habits and routines. So, once again: What do you do when you do nothing? Who are you? Are you who you wish to be?

_______________________

* A famous koan is “What is the sound of one hand clapping?” English-speaking non-Zen practitioners sometimes use koan to refer to an unanswerable question or a meaningless statement. However, in Zen practice, a koan is not meaningless, and teachers often do expect students to present an appropriate response when asked about a koan. Even so, a koan is not a riddle or a puzzle. Appropriate responses to a koan may vary according to circumstances; different teachers may demand different responses to a given koan, and a fixed answer cannot be correct in every circumstance. One of the most common recorded comments by a teacher on a disciple’s answer is: “Even though that is true, if you do not know it yourself it does you no good.” The master is looking not for an answer in a specific form, but for evidence that the disciple has grasped the practical use of the koan in daily life, or, in other words, has actually given up some previous attachment. (Source: Wikipedia)

I have watched exactly one episode of “Desperate Housewives,” and in it there was one scene that has stayed with me. One of the female leads (Eva Longoria Parker as ex-model Gabrielle Solis) was in bed having a post-coital conversation with John, her young (17) and very-hot gardener. Asked why she married her husband, she replied, “Because he promised to give me everything I ever wanted.” John asked, “Then why aren’t you happy?” She confessed that it “turns out that I wanted all the wrong things.”

You can’t get enough of what you don’t need means that you cannot satisfy emotional needs with physical things, that comfort food really isn’t, and that dysfunctional coping strategies simply create bigger problems.

There are things in life that never satisfy, but somehow still are highly desired. There are things in life that are mirages, mental traps for the unwary, “siren songs,” appeals to our weaker side that may be hard to resist, but if heeded will lead to dire consequences.

Malcolm Muggeridge once said, “When I look back on my life nowadays, which I sometimes do, what strikes me most forcibly about it is that what seemed at the time most significant and seductive, seems now most futile and absurd. For instance, success in all of its various guises, being known and praised, ostensible pleasures like acquiring money or seducing women, or traveling, going to and fro in the world and up and down in it like Satan, explaining and experiencing whatever Vanity Fair has to offer. In retrospect, all these exercises in self-gratification seem pure fantasy, what Pascal called, ‘licking the earth’.”

I like that phrase of Pascal’s, “licking the earth.” It is a powerful visualization: Man trying to satisfy his deepest desires with material pleasures when, in reality, our deepest needs are immaterial in nature.

On occasion I have found myself in denial, trying to satisfy an emotional or spiritual void with material possessions or physical sensations. At most you distract yourself for a time but the issue remains forever a problem to be solved, a growth opportunity to be resolved. I think Scott Peck spoke a great truth when he said most neuroses are the result of people attempting to avoid the necessary and legitimate pain of confronting a difficult situation.

“You can’t get enough of what you don’t need.” What are you afraid to face? Where are you sublimating? Are there areas of your life where you might be in denial? How would those closest to you answer?

—————–
Thomas Malcolm Muggeridge was a British journalist, author, satirist, media personality, soldier-spy, and writer. Source: Wikipedia.

Packing my own weight is a value that resonates at an extremely deep level with me.

Packing your own weight does not necessarily mean you do not ask for help if you truly need it. There, is after all, the social compact. We are all community members, team members. One of the most basic tenets of a community, of a team, is that you help those who really are in need.

Yet there is flip side of asking for help, several duties and obligations that arise:

- One does not ask for help until one has exhausted one’s own resources

- Implicit in the above is that one has a duty to do a decent job of stockpiling resources so as not to be a frequent or unnecessary burden on others

- One does not take more than one needs (first, it’s only polite and second, resources are limited and there are others in need)

- One pays it back (or forward) as soon as possible, with interest (give back more, perhaps many fold more, than was taken)

I once set out to climb Mt. Rainier. I was not the oldest person in the group but I was a close second. It was a hard climb. The pace was 50 minutes of hiking, 10 minutes rest, repeat, repeat, repeat to exhaustion. The air was thin and oxygen was scarce. We hiked in single file in heavy snow and the main objective was to put your foot exactly in the track left by the person in front of you, as this minimized wasted effort. The other objective was to cram as much oxygen into your lungs as you could. This meant breathing every breath as deeply and rapidly as you could. Imagine your first desperate breaths after holding your breath for a couple of minutes. That was how we breathed for 50 minutes at a time.

At one point I fell out of line. One of the guides came back and offered to carry my backpack for me. I still remember the surge of adrenaline that went through me. He had touched on a core value of mine and inadvertently found the perfect motivation for me.

“I pack my own weight,” I replied and immediately got up, energized and motivated, and rapidly caught up with the group.

Do you pack your own weight?

I find this question a powerful behavior modifier. I take my responsibilities as a parent, a role model, a community member, a leader (we all are leaders at some level, someone is always watching us) very seriously.

I wish to be congruent and aligned in my word and in my deeds.

Awareness that I might not have lived up to the standards I aspire to gives me energy and motivation to try again, to push harder to reach another level higher.

“All actions teach the belief system that motivates them” is a dictum that has been expressed in other ways:

- What you are speaks so loud that I cannot hear what you say

- People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care

- You cannot not communicate (From NLP, i.e. you are leaking information ALL the time)

All actions teach the belief system that motivates them. What did you teach today? What will you teach tomorrow?

But after a while, like the boy who cried wolf, there is a definite limit to the ability of words, no matter how sweetly spun, to substitute for the reality of concrete action.

At some point you must “do” sorry, not just “say” sorry.

You must demonstrate behavior, consistently and repeatedly, that indicates true remorse, not mere lip service. You must accept that your actions have consequences and at times those consequences must be atoned for.

To atone is to make reparation for a mistake. Reparation is compensation for a wrong, the restoration of something to good condition.

I have observed “apologies” followed immediately by explanations of why it was not the person’s fault, or how the other party should have anticipated or prevented the incident in question, or even by launching into a litany of supposedly counter-balancing grievances.

These are not apologies, not even pseudo-apologies. A true expression of remorse coming from the heart stands alone. Sincere contriteness is undercut when you indulge in simultaneous evasions of responsibility or denials of accountability, contemporaneous or otherwise.

I have found, both in business and in personal dealings, that a good reputation is money in the bank. Banks and business partners have been willing to go the extra mile because we deliver on our promises and and stand behind our handshake.

If credibility and trustworthiness are your goal, if you aspire to good standing and stellar stature, then remember: You cannot talk your way out of what you have behaved yourself into. The only way to truly restore faith and trust is by consistent and constant dependable behavior.

Why do people go in circles? Because they have no plan, no goal, no north star to guide them.

Even if you are not exactly certain where you want to end up, some goal is usually better than none. Striking out in the general direction of some area that holds your interest will yield benefit. You will gain knowledge, information, experience, and familiarity that will serve you in good stead in refining your quest.

We all go the same distance in life, some of us just go in circles.

- Do you have written goals?
- Do you visit them periodically and revise them at least annually?
- Do you have them for every major role of your life?
- Short-term, intermediate- and long-term targets for each goal?
- A plan to get to those targets?
- Accountability checkpoints along the way?
- A friend or co-worker to play the role of coach or cheerleader to spur you on and hold you accountable?

If not, do you like circles?

It is also important that you do not become an advocate for your weakness.

We often do, in part because it can serve to absolve us (at least in our own minds) of responsibility for it.

“I can’t because…”

“I would but…”

“That’s easier for them because…”

I am occasionally challenged on exercising patience. I’ve got lots of reasons and excuses why it’s not my fault, why life or so-and-so has tried my endurance beyond what mortal man should be asked to endure. But all that is irrelevant. I (me, myself, no one else) lost my (that’s me again) temper, snapped at someone, showed excessive irritation. It’s rarely a smart thing to do. Generally, it is counterproductive. And I’m responsible if I lose my temper. Period.

Arguing for my weakness, manufacturing excuses, does not help me learn to keep my temper. As a matter of fact, probably quite the opposite. Refusing to take full responsibility for my actions makes it more acceptable to lose control again the next time. Arguing that responsibility lies outside myself sets up the template for repeating the past, allowing my behavior to stay in the same old groove.

Someone I know got divorced after a long and traditional marriage. The amount and duration of alimony was a major issue. The more unemployable the ex-wife was, the longer and greater the alimony. A significant amount of effort (professional opinion) was expended to prove that it was unreasonable to expect the homemaker spouse to enter the work force.

From my vantage point, it seemed as if the ex-wife became more and more emotionally vested in her belief of her unemployability. In time, what might have been a tendency became a destiny, what might have been overcome became set in stone. And, it probably did not help her that the additional alimony served to inflict financial pain upon someone she may have felt an emotional desire to punish.

I still catch myself arguing for my weakness. I counteract it by accepting FULL responsibility AND by using open-ended, possibility language: “In the past, I have observed myself frequently choosing to do ‘X.’ I know I am capable of doing differently in the future if I so decide.”

Argue for your weakness and you limit possibility, hinder your growth, box-in your future. You are greater than you know, your possibility is vast. Consider arguing for your greatness.

P.S. Dear Reader: I’m always looking for great illustrations that create crystal clarity. If you have any good examples of “arguing for you weakness” (or any other topic I touch on in these blogs), please share.